Coming Clean

This is the last time that I'm going to write about this. I know it would involve me swallowing a lot of very bitter-tasting pride. I know I might be putting someone in a bad light. I know that some things might change. What's even worse is that I dunno the eyes who would be reading this. (Though I would really appreciate a line or two from you nameless lurkers who show up in my traffic log.) But fuck it, here goes.

First off, why the need, you may ask. One, I hate the thought of someone believing that he or she is holding all the aces in the deck. I don't want someone having that kind of power over me. So I am getting off the leash.

Two, after reading the article entitled "A Rescue From Hell By Jesus Christ", I realized how much I wanted to experience Heaven. I would never, ever do myself in, of course. But the thought of dying and being with these angels, these magnificent beings, going back to the Source, being one with the Source, feeling His Love so unconditional and pure and all that... I dunno. Suddenly, I just wanted to take Death's boney hand in mine. Or to be ready, at least. This, being the first step.

Lastly, I wanna be worthy of people's trust. I, for one, find it difficult to trust other people. I am a cynic, most of the time. Maybe that's why I value promises so much. Coz somehow, it gives me the assurance that I need. The same is true when I make my promises. But what I want now is for these people to trust my word. With or without the promises.

Ok, enough with the introduction. These are my confessions... (Nyaha. Parang kanta lang.)

1. We were never a couple. Friends thought that we were, my family thought that we were, we made them think that we were. But if truth be told, there was never an "us". It was such a pathetic lie, I know. And what makes it heinous is that I actually believed it. We almost had each other. But almost is far from reality. Almost is incomplete, unclear and revocable. Almost just doesn't count.

2. I wasn't on the rocks with my ex. I never did the "tumikim ng ibang ulam" or anything in that context. In the first place, I have no ex and no ulam to speak of. Though I'd like to believe that it was help given in good conscience, it was my mistake for allowing another person to put words into my mouth. I had a hundred and one reasons to turn you down but all you got was a pack of fabricated lies. I was given more than one chance to rectify that but I never took it. Instead, I dragged on, played along and added more lies in order to justify the story. Because I was afraid. Because I was a wimp. And a pathetic one at that.

Well, that's it. I dunno if I could get by with a simple apology but it's the only thing left for me to say. I'm sorry. And I'm saying it in the truest sense of the word.

This is where I end. This is where I begin.