A Taste Of Heaven

Toni Rose Gayda gave her testimony at church today. She talked about her once shitty relationship with her husband, her son's multiple scoliosis, how she fucked up on booze and drugs, how she found God and how she recovered from all the shit she's been in. I always find it uplifting to hear such testimonies. They remind me of the things I take for granted. They remind me to count my blessings and be thankful. And most importantly, they remind me that there is a God.

Talking about dope addicts, I bought this red spiral notebook otherwise known as the Kurt Cobain Journals. That would be 286 pages filled with his sketches, poetry, rants, video concepts, song lyrics and letters on draft, and other pieces of writing. Funny how the journal opens with "Don't read my diary when I'm gone." Well, so much for that request.

Peek into his thoughts...

I thought I would let the world know how much I love them people. I thought I would make art try to create something that I would personally like to listen to. Because a very large portion of the this worlds art sucks beyond description. ... I guess in a way anyone with enough ambition to create and not take away is someone who deserves respect. ... On second thought I thought I would maybe I just tried to let the world know how much I love myself. Like a hypocritte in a hippie crypt. I hate myself and I want to die. Leave me alone.

His feelings...

Courtney, when I say I love you I am not ashamed, nor will anyone ever ever come close to intimidating persuading, etc me into thinking otherwise. I wear you on my sleeve. I spread you out wide open with the wing span of a peacock. Yet all too often with the attention span of a bullet to the head. ... you've taught me it's ok to be a man and in the classic mans world I parade you around proudly like the ring on my finger which also holds no other mineral. Love, Kurt.

His addiction...

Ive been taking a lot of drugs lately. It might be time for the Betty Ford Clinic or the Richard Nixon Library to save me from abusing my enemic, rodent-like body any longer. I cant wait to be back at home (wherever that is) in bed, neurotic and malnourished and complaining how the "weather sucks". And its the whole reason for my misery. I miss you, Bikini Kill.

And his disease...

I decided to use heroine in a daily basis because of an ongoing stomach ailment that I had been suffering from the past five years had literally taken me to the point of wanting to kill myself. For five years every single day of my life. Everytime I swallowed a piece of food I would experience an excruciating burning nauseaus pain in the upper part of my stomach lining. ... We had to cancel a few shows because the pain left me immobile doubled up on the bathroom floor vomiting water and blood. ... I instantly regained that familiar burning nausea and decided to either kill myself or to stop the pain. I bought a gun but chose drugs instead.

Behind the lousy handwriting, the missing punctuations, and the misspelled words lies the heart of a true rock star.

Kurt Cobain
1967-1994

"I will never follow you
I will never bother you
Never speak a word again
I will crawl away for good"
--- You Know You're Right, Nirvana