Rain On Me

"Reality hits you when you least expect it." It hit me when I was at my most vulnerable.

Just finished talking to two of my friends over the phone. After so many months of suffering in silence, I was able to talk about all the anger and pain bottled up inside me. The tough girl facade is no longer up. The numbness began to wear off and I'm feeling it all now. I'm feeling it all.

I knew it right from the start. I knew that something's going on between them but I tried to brush it off. I blinded myself from the truth. I forced myself to believe that they won't do anything that will hurt me. They won't do anything that will crush me. Coz she's my friend. And friends don't do that to each other. But I was wrong. I was stabbed in the back and minced down to microscopic bits by the very person whom I trusted. And it fuckin' hurts.

To the girl:
I came across one of your letters way back in 2002. You said something about taking good care of true friendships coz they are rare and hard to find. Well, that's true. Sadly though, I wasn't able to find one in you. You also said your wishes for us and that you'll be happy to see us together. Bullshit. I can smell the burning sarcasm. Uhm, here's a glass of water to help you swallow your words.

To the guy:
You broke me in. In so many ways, you broke me in. How dare you feed me with all your bullshit about leaving due to family problems? How dare you talk about hating liars when you are a liar yourself? It was only last August that you gave me the true reason. If it wasn't for that email I've sent you, you could've deprived me of the explanation I deserved. How dare you do this to me? I swear to God, I loved you in the plainest meaning of these words that trying to define it is beyond me. When my parents and my lola judged you, I defended you. I forced you to drop by our house to prove them wrong. But I guess it turned out to be the other way around. They proved me wrong.

This realization extinguished the love that used to burn in my heart. I'm still hoping, for the longest time, that they will have the guts to talk to me about it, to tell everything straight to my face. Though I know that dissecting them and hearing the truth from their mouths will only torment me, I'm ready for that. I need that hammer to hit my head. What they did hurts. But trying to hide the truth from me hurts all the more.

This is final. I'm taking a leave from school. Not only due to financial reasons but I now have my personal reasons as well.

God, why does it always have to rain on me?

"Even though I know
I don’t wanna know
Yeah I guess I know
I just hate how it sounds"
--- One Thing, Finger Eleven