Listen To What I'm Not Saying

Attended a Personality Development and Professional Attitude Enhancement seminar. I thought it's gonna be a boring discussion that I had to sit through for 8 hours but I was proven wrong. It turned out to be quite an interesting and cultivating experience. I got to learn more about other people and even more about myself.

Ma'am Michel taught us a template that we could use to help us win arguments. It goes:

When you said _______ I felt _______ because _______.
So I suggest _______.

Then, she asked us to come up with our own argument using the template. I came up with this:

"When you said you were scared, I felt hurt and confused. Because I was scared too but I didn't push you away. So I suggest you get your act together and let's do this together."

Now that I got to reread what I wrote, I realized that the last line sounded off and that it didn't make much sense. So here goes an improved version of it:

"When you said you were scared, I felt hurt and confused. Because I was scared too but I didn't push you away. So I suggest that you stop being so cowardly and let's fall in love together."

Better or only mushier? Hehe. ^_^

Ma'am Michel also shared one of her favorite poems entitled 'Please Listen (To What I'm Not Saying)'. We were asked to pick a line or a stanza that struck us most and if we wanted to, we could elaborate on it. I chose the lines,

"Don't be fooled by the face I wear,
For I wear a mask, I wear a thousand masks."

People see me as a happy person coz I'm always smiling and laughing. But just because I'm all smiles and laughter doesn't mean I'm always happy. Sometimes, the smile becomes pasted and the laughter, artificial. I may put up a happy disposition despite the brokenness inside. So please, don't be fooled by the face I wear...

Nweiz, there are a lot of things in my mind right now. Most of it are realizations punching me relentlessly in the face. So I'll just post them one by one before they could smash the living daylights out of me.

- I realized how our words could represent us. How the words that escape our mouths could give a wrong perception of our mind and our personality. I myself am guilty of using inappropriate language. I speak my mind without inhibitions that sometimes I offend people, though unintentionally. I never thought wrong of it, until someone misjudged me as being argumentative. Belligerent, even. I know I'm not those things and I don't wanna create that kind of impression. Well then I guess I have to take things down a notch or two. And I will.

- I realized that though I never cared about the pain I was inflicting on myself, I failed to take into consideration the pain I was inflicting on my parents. I've done/said things that I know have wounded them. Out of anger - for claiming to know what's good for me, for trying to manipulate me. Out of pain - in realizing that the house I grew up in is no longer my home, in seeing the family that I used to embrace so dearly break into a million little pieces, in losing the only thing that really mattered to me. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for hurting you just because of the pain you've caused me, I know that's very immature of me. And since you've been very vocal about it, I'm also sorry for not being the kind of daughter you wish you had.

- I realized how much I've neglected You, my God. I used to talk to You like a friend in times of happiness and of sadness. We used to have a strong relationship. But then I started questioning Your existence. It became difficult for me to hold on to my blind faith when all my prayers seemed to have fallen on deaf ears. I thought I'm strong enough to coast through life without You. But I was wrong. Without You, I'm wretched, I'm lost and I'm weak. You know I was never a religious person. But I was a believer. A strong one, at that. And God, I want to believe again. Do You still have room for someone like me?

- I realized that my greatest mistake was to be constantly afraid that I will make a mistake. I have this fear of making the wrong choices that I tend to leave all my options open until none are left. I was given many chances before but I kept on screwing things up. I kept on trusting the wrong persons with my heart. I kept on putting my energy into things that never worked out. Many times, people got disappointed in the choices that I made. And every time, I felt a needling sense of failure. But life, I know, would always be full of so many choices that I would have to make. I need not worry about making the wrong choices because it's ok as it is normal. People might get disappointed again, but I'll just let them be. Choices would be made and I would readily deal with whatever the outcome might be.

And so I end this post with a beautiful poem. It's quite long but please take time to read it... ^_^

---

Please Listen!
(To What I'm Not Saying)

Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear.
For I wear a mask, I wear a thousand masks.
Masks that I'm afraid to take off.
And none of them is me.

Pretending is an art that's second nature with me.
But don't be fooled, I beg you, don't be fooled.

I gave you the impression that I'm secure,
That all is sunny and unruffled with me.
Within, as well as without.
That confidence is my name,
And coolness my game.
That the water's calm and I'm in command,
And that I need no one.

But don't believe me. Please.
My surface may seem smooth,
But my surface is my mask.
Beneath lies no smugness, no complacence.
Beneath dwells the real me in confusion,
In fear, in aloneness.

But I hide this.
I don't want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weakness,
And fear of being exposed.
That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind.
A nonchalant, sophisticated façade.
To help me pretend,
To shield me from the glance that knows.

But such a glance is precisely my salvation,
My only salvation.
And I know it.
That is, if it's followed by acceptance.
If it's followed by love.

It's the only thing that can liberate me.
From myself,
From my own self-built prison walls,
From the barriers that I so painstakingly erect.

It's the only thing that will assure me
Of what I can't assure myself.
That I'm really worth something.

But I don't tell you this.
I don't dare.
I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid your glance will not be followed
By acceptance and love.
I'm afraid you'll think less of me.
That you'll laugh.
And your laugh will kill me
I'm afraid that deep down I'm nothing,
That I'm just no good,
And that you'll see this and reject me.

So I play my game.
My desperate pretending game.
With a façade of assurance without,
And trembling child within.

And so begins the parade of masks,
And my life becomes a front.
I idly chatter to you,
In the suave tones of surface talk.
I tell you everything that's really nothing,
And nothing of what's everything,
Of what's crying within me.

So when I'm going through my routine,
Don't be fooled by what I'm saying.
Please listen carefully and try to hear
What I'm not saying,
What I'd like to be able to say,
What for survival I need to say,
But which I can't say.

I dislike hiding. Honestly.
I dislike the superficial game I'm playing.
The superficial, phony game.
I'd really like to be genuine,
And spontaneous,
And me.
But you've got to help me.